Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So much rum. So many feels.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
