I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
