??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
