Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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