How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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