Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
