just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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