my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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