Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
