i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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