My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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