I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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