I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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