Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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