If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
