I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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