toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
