i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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