And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
