I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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