i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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