So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
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