after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
