We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
