tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
