my vag is so smooth its legendary
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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