and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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