I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
