just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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