If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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