I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
