he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Houston, we have a blender
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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