don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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