You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
