I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
