Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize