im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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