I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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