Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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