So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
