I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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