Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
