You smell like a Billy Joel song
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
