ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
