I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
