he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You are the jesus of drinking
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
