1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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