If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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