Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
