did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
