I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
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