do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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