just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Couch. On fire.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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