I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think your dad took our porno
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
