Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
