I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
