I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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