Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
