it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
