i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
