im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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