i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
