did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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